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(no subject)
Nov. 23rd, 2008 | 03:40 am
I was really close to leaving this journal behind. Abandoning ship.
But that's been my life for so long, and I don't want that anymore.
But that's been my life for so long, and I don't want that anymore.
But, from this point on, all posts will be friends only.
Comment to be added.
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(no subject)
Nov. 20th, 2008 | 11:12 pm
mood: 
weird
music: Spoon - revenge
jodiii (11:09:59 PM) : um
jodiii (11:10:04 PM) : she said she was sick of the tension
jodiii (11:10:06 PM) : and stuff
jodiii (11:10:20 PM) : but she doesn't want to be as close because things are different and she doesn't want bad stuff to happen again
jodiii (11:10:28 PM) : so she's playing it safe
jodiii (11:10:48 PM) : why do you get that vibe?
playitagainrandi (11:11:30 PM) : what vibe? haha the acquaintance sort of vibe? or the friend vibe? because i'm getting both and it's weird. acquaintance vibe because of what she said at first. friend vibe because we were basically talking all day like we use to
jodiii (11:12:16 PM) : weird
playitagainrandi (11:12:51 PM) : like i said, it's not going to make or break me. she has her life. i have mine. and things happen. mhm.
jenelle's "playing it safe"
she has her life, i have mine
still, it's a little disappointing
life goes on
always does
Note To Self:
don't get your hopes up
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(no subject)
Nov. 18th, 2008 | 02:39 am
mood: 
content
music: The Rolling Stones - ruby tuesday
heavydamage18
:D
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(no subject)
Nov. 16th, 2008 | 01:10 pm
mood: 
sleepy
music: Cloud Cult - chemicals collide
I was up until 5:30 am talking to Nate. I guess he really misses me, which is nice, but completely unexpected. We talked about his horrible roommate, sex, and some cute stuff.
He asked if I had a journal. I told him that I did, but I wasn't going to let him read it. He demanded that I give him my journal information so he could find it. I knew he wouldn't stop nagging me, so I just gave it to him.
BIG MISTAKE
He read the entire journal. I explained why I've been thinking Michael so much lately. He told me that I need to stop "obsessing" about him, that it's completely insane that I'm still stuck on him a year after the break-up.
He was right about the fact that I really should be over it. However, I don't think about Michael the same way I use to. It's not "obsessing", but Nate's not in my head. He doesn't know what I'm thinking, and I don't know how to explain what I feel to him. So I'm quiet, and he judges me by what he sees, which is totally reasonable, but in a way it's not fair to me.
I just feel like I'm not receiving any credit for what I've accomplished.
Anyway, I guess it's time to put Michael to rest.
Dear Michael,
I put the story together in my head so that everything was perfect, because that's how I wanted to remember you. The truth is that we both messed up pretty badly, and you ended up walking away without a scratch on you. It wasn't glamorous. You weren't glamorous.
I'm done waiting for you. You're not coming back, and I'm not sure I want you to anymore.
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(no subject)
Nov. 15th, 2008 | 02:37 pm
mood: 
angry
music: Bright Eyes - haligh, haligh, a lie, haligh
Oh hello, plans!
Wait, what?
Fuck
Okay.
Goodbye, plans...
People are thoughtless, unreliable fucks. That's all there is to it.
Nate and I were talking about an hour ago.
He said he has thanksgiving break in two weeks. He'll have a whole week off.
He said we could work on our problems then.
I suppose that works.
I hope it's not too late.
Wait, what?
Fuck
Okay.
Goodbye, plans...
People are thoughtless, unreliable fucks. That's all there is to it.
Nate and I were talking about an hour ago.
He said he has thanksgiving break in two weeks. He'll have a whole week off.
He said we could work on our problems then.
I suppose that works.
I hope it's not too late.
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(no subject)
Nov. 13th, 2008 | 03:04 pm
mood: cheerful
music: Santogold - les artistes
I've met someone that makes me feel seasick
Maybe it's time to move on
Time to cut our losses and walk away
Regardless, I've met someone that makes me feel seasick
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(no subject)
Nov. 13th, 2008 | 01:37 am
mood: sleepy
music: Bon Iver - skinny love
There was no reply from Michael.
Note to self:
Never get your hopes up again.
I guess this weekend I'm going to be heading to Logan's house. It will be me, Logan, Sean, and Jazz. It will be great. It will be great. It will be great. It has to be.
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(no subject)
Nov. 11th, 2008 | 10:05 pm
mood: 
curious
music: Oh No! Oh My! - i have no sister
So we're taking a break
A very necessary break
I've been thinking about calling Michael
We haven't spoken to each other in so long
But I want to talk to him
I want a fun conversation
Maybe I'll just contact him over the computer
You never know what could happen
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(no subject)
Nov. 11th, 2008 | 07:37 pm
mood: 
stressed
music: Wolf Parade - sons and daughters of hungry ghosts
He's not willing to bend or make changes.
"I've already told you, I'm calling you more! We're talking more!"
"Nate, we don't really hold a conversation. You don't contribute."
"Well this is how I talk and I'm okay with how things are."
I've been bending for the past 14 months.
It's only a matter of time before I finally break.
I love him I love him I love him.
But things have changed. We're not who we once were. We never will be.
I've exhausted every possibility
I've done my part.
I don't know if I have it in me, anymore.
"I've already told you, I'm calling you more! We're talking more!"
"Nate, we don't really hold a conversation. You don't contribute."
"Well this is how I talk and I'm okay with how things are."
I've been bending for the past 14 months.
It's only a matter of time before I finally break.
I love him I love him I love him.
But things have changed. We're not who we once were. We never will be.
I've exhausted every possibility
I've done my part.
I don't know if I have it in me, anymore.
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(no subject)
Nov. 10th, 2008 | 04:04 pm
mood: content
music: Dear and the Headlights - run in the front
( Christmas list! )
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(no subject)
Nov. 10th, 2008 | 01:04 am
mood: 
lonely
music: Vampire Weekend - ottoman
Sometimes I try to cling on to things, or facts that have helped make me who I am. Some nights, when simply clinging isn't enough, I take items that remind me of who I am, and pile them into one little area. I look at them. I remember. It's comforting.
I really only do this when I need to get perspective.
If you haven't caught on yet, tonight's one of those nights.
Usually, my pile consists of movies, books, mix CDs I've made, and pictures. I'll shed some light:
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
My new shoes
Acoustic
Kill Bill vol.1
Kill Bill vol.2
These memoriesss
Garden State
Snow!
Insomnia
Polaroids
Flannel
These three ladies
Into the Wild
The Catcher in the Rye
Weed!
lulz [humiliating]
Transatlanticism
Photographyy
The song "Ottoman" by Vampire Weekend
This fucking place
Trains
Why?
Sexxx
Romance
Dreams
Wristcutters: A Love Story
Bo Burnham
Classic rock
Downing a bottle of these
Falling in love
and so on...
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(no subject)
Nov. 8th, 2008 | 12:31 am
mood: sleepy
music: Modest Mouse - trailer trash
I'm terrified by the thought of being let down, again. Having all of my dreams fall apart in a matter of seconds was too much for me. I'm too scared to put any emotional weight on this relationship again. I mean, there I was all vulnerable and pathetic, and he just crushed me without a stitch of remorse.
None of this was fair to me, and he's walking around, all alive and breathing, or whatever, like it was just no big deal, while I'm still barely hanging on by a thread to this relationship.
I hate him so much, sometimes. I love him. baghaghahg
I'm probably getting glasses on Monday or Tuesday. That's good, I guess.
None of this was fair to me, and he's walking around, all alive and breathing, or whatever, like it was just no big deal, while I'm still barely hanging on by a thread to this relationship.
I hate him so much, sometimes. I love him. baghaghahg
I'm probably getting glasses on Monday or Tuesday. That's good, I guess.
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(no subject)
Nov. 6th, 2008 | 02:47 pm
mood: content
music: Peter Bjorn and John - objects of my affection
( Stolenn )
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(no subject)
Nov. 5th, 2008 | 08:28 pm
mood: crappy
music: Smog - to be of use
Most of my fantasies are of
To be of use
To be of use
To be of some
Hard,
Simple,
Undeniable use
I am fading away into the background
To be of use
To be of use
To be of some
Hard,
Simple,
Undeniable use
I am fading away into the background
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(no subject)
Nov. 4th, 2008 | 09:32 pm
mood: pissed off
music: Eisley - i wasn't prepared
My family's pulling another one of their "we're going to punish you because of your past, even though you've completely turned your life around" routines.
Sucks.
Sucks.
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(no subject)
Nov. 4th, 2008 | 02:57 pm
Here comes the climactic scene of the movie with the world's saddest goodbye, because you think that skipping town is the most artistic solution to your mountain of problems. What a poor, pathetic, broken artist you must be. You get into your car. You drive down the lane. You're gone.
to be continueddd
i'm sleepy
to be continueddd
i'm sleepy
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(no subject)
Nov. 3rd, 2008 | 11:06 pm
mood: content
music: Why? - gemini [birthday song]
playitagainrandi (10:44:28 PM) : i hate when things bother me the day after shit happens
playitagainrandi (10:44:30 PM) : when it hits me
playitagainrandi (10:44:32 PM) : "that's not cool"
playitagainrandi (10:44:35 PM) : and i can't do shit about it
playitagainrandi (10:44:36 PM) : because then
playitagainrandi (10:44:37 PM) : i'm crazy
playitagainrandi (10:44:51 PM) : bullshit
playitagainrandi (10:45:52 PM) : you don't. like yesterday, when we were fighting. it was bullshit
playitagainrandi (10:45:55 PM) : and it just hit me
playitagainrandi (10:45:59 PM) : how stupid it fucking was
playitagainrandi (10:46:23 PM) : okay. not stupid. just..unfair
playitagainrandi (10:48:09 PM) : it's crap, nate. this entire situation is crap
playitagainrandi (10:48:48 PM) : it's just..it should be give and take. and it can be like that. sometimes..but it just feels like you're asking me to give you everything all at once or you'll leave. and that's not fair, nate
playitagainrandi (10:49:46 PM) : huh?
playitagainrandi (10:50:30 PM) : oh my.
playitagainrandi (10:50:51 PM) : i just didn't see that coming
playitagainrandi (10:55:52 PM) : the only reason i've been thinking about calling it quits is because i feel as though i've given you all i can give in a reasonable amount of time. and that i've said all i can say to show you that i care. and it felt like none of that was returned. i'd get a "oh that's nice. thank you". but nothing. so i was just convinced that you didn't care if i were to stay or go. so i was staying for my sake..idk
playitagainrandi (10:57:06 PM) : i guess we'll both just have to give it time. wait it out and see what's there in the end
playitagainrandi (10:58:44 PM) : and i think that, in the mean time, when we come across a problem we have with the other, then we should approach the other person. not just wait and see if the person will fix it by themselves.
playitagainrandi (10:59:07 PM) : k
playitagainrandi (10:59:26 PM) : why's that?
playitagainrandi (11:01:05 PM) : yeah. it's nice
playitagainrandi (11:01:26 PM) : i don't even know how it got so messy in the first place. and i don't really think i care to know
playitagainrandi (11:02:08 PM) : alright
playitagainrandi (11:02:18 PM) : kk
playitagainrandi (11:02:33 PM) : alright. i love youuuououuu uu
playitagainrandi (11:03:11 PM) : 
playitagainrandi (11:03:22 PM) : 'night
we've still got it
i think
opinions?
the word opinion reminds me of the word onion
which, basically, grosses me out
because onions are really nasty
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(no subject)
Nov. 3rd, 2008 | 02:25 pm
mood: confused
music: Wolf Parade - grounds for divorce
Every morning the maple leaves.
Every morning another chapter where the hero shifts
from one foot to the other. Every morning the same big
and little words all spelling out desire, all spelling out
So maybe I wanted to give you something more than a catalog
of non-definitive acts,
something other than the desperation.
Dear So-and-So, I'm sorry I couldn't come to your party.
Dear So-and-So, I'm sorry I came to your party
and seduced you
and left you bruised and ruined, you poor sad thing.
A forest, then. Beautiful trees. And a lady singing.
Love on the water, love underwater, love, love and so on.
What a sweet lady. Sing lady, sing! Of course, she wakes the dragon.
Love always wakes the dragon and suddenly
I can tell already you think I'm the dragon,
that would be so like me, but I'm not. I'm not the dragon.
I'm not the princess either.
Who am I? I'm just a writer. I write things down.
I walk through your dreams and invent the future. Sure,
I sink the boat of love, but that comes later. And yes, I swallow
glass, but that comes later.
flush against the wall and every part of your body rubs against the bricks,
shut up
I'm getting to it.
F
I guess I can tell you that now. And, for a while, I thought I was
cotton candy pink, sitting there in my room, in the tower of the castle,
young and beautiful and in love and waiting for you with
confidence
but the princess looks into her mirror and only sees the princess,
while I'm out here, slogging through the mud, breathing fire,
O
You still get to be the hero.
You get the magic gloves! A fish that talks! You get eyes like flashlights!
What more do you want?
I make you pancakes, I take you hunting, I talk to you as if you're
really there.
Are you there, sweetheart? Do you know me? Is this microphone live?
for the record, let me make a thing of cream and stars that becomes,
you know the story, simply heaven.
Inside your head you hear a phone ringing
only a clearing with deer in it. Hello deer.
Inside your head the sound of glass,
a car crash sound as the trucks roll over and explode in slow motion.
Hello darling, sorry about that.
lived here, sorry about the scene at the bottom of the stairwell
a
Especially that, but I should have known.
You see, I take the parts that I remember and stitch them back together
to make a creature that will do what I say
or love me back.
I'm not really sure why I do it, but in this version you are not
feeding yourself to a bad man
a
I take it back.
The wooden halls likes caskets. These terms from the lower depths.
Here is the repeated image of the lover destroyed.
Clumsy hands in a dark room. Crossed out. There is something
underneath the floorboards.
Crossed out. And here is the tabernacle
Here is the part where everyone was happy all the time and we were all
forgiven,
even though we didn't deserve it.
a phone ringing, and when you open your eyes you're washing up
in a stranger's bathroom,
standing by the window in a yellow towel, only twenty minutes away
from the dirtiest thing you know.
All the rooms of the castle except this one, says someone, and suddenly
In the living room, in the broken yard,
in the back of the car as the lights go by. In the airport
bathroom's gurgle and flush, bathed in a pharmacy of
unnatural light,
my hands looking weird, my face weird, my feet too far away.
And the the airplane, the window seat over the wing with a view
I arrived in the city and you met me at the station,
smiling in a way
that made me frightened. Down the alley, around the arcade,
up the stairs of the building
to the little room with the broken faucets, your drawings, all your things,
This doesn't look that much different from home,
because it didn't,
but then I noticed the black sky and all those lights.
W
All these buildings, all that glass and the shiny beautiful
We were inside the train car when I started to cry. You were crying too,
smiling and crying in a way that made me
even more hysterical. You said I could have anything I wanted, but I
Actually, you said Love, for you,
is larger than the usual romantic love. It's like a religion. It's
Okay, if you're so great, you do it—
here's the pencil, make it work . . .
If the window is on your right, you are in your own bed. If the window
is over your heart, and it is painted shut, then we are breathing
river water.
Build me a city and call it Jerusalem. Build me another and call it
We have come back from Jerusalem where we found not
what we sought, so do it over, give me another version,
a different room, another hallway, the kitchen painted over
and over,
another bowl of soup.
The entire history of human desire takes about seventy minutes to tell.
Unfortunately, we don't have that kind of time.
leave the gun on the table, this has nothing to do with happiness.
in gold light, as the camera pans to where
the action is,
lakeside and backlit, and it all falls into frame, close enough to see
I never liked that ending either. More love streaming out the wrong way,
and I don't want to be the kind that says the wrong way.
But it doesn't work, these erasures, this constant refolding of the pleats.
all lemondrop and mellonball, laughing in silk pajamas
and the grains of sugar
on the toast, love love or whatever, take a number. I'm sorry
Dear Forgiveness, you know that recently
we have had our difficulties and there are many things
I tried that one time, high school, second lunch, and then again,
years later, in the chlorinated pool.
I am still talking to you about help. I still do not have
these luxuries.
I have told you where I'm coming from, so put it together.
When I say this, it should mean laughter,
not poison.
I want more applesauce. I want more seats reserved for heroes.
Dear Forgiveness, I saved a plate for you.
-Richard Siken
It's beautiful, eh?
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(no subject)
Nov. 1st, 2008 | 11:03 pm
mood: weird
music: Electric President - insomnia
We, as a family, went to go visit my aunts, uncles, and cousins on my dad's side today. We went to "the farm". I don't think it's an actual farm, it's just an uninhabited house that my Dad's mother somehow owned. There's a barn, so I think that's why we call it "the farm". I hadn't been there since I was seven.
Anyway, here's the family:
Starting from the top, going left to right:
Dad, Derrick (bro), Dick (uncle), Amber (cousin), Laura (matt's girlfriend), Steve (uncle),
Mom, Me, Lindsey (cousin), Joyce (aunt), Matt (cousin), Alicia (cousin), Seth/Sam?? (alicia's boyfriend)
They're all pretty nice, I guess. My cousins have all grown up, so I was pretty alone. C'mon, I'm the awkward, overweight 16 year old with an orange vest, how could I ever expect to fit in with a bunch of cute twenty-somethings?
It was an okay day, though.
When I got home I hung around the house with Nate. We decided that tomarrow would be a good day to discuss everything that happened this past week.
There's this genuine sadness about us. We can act like everything's okay as much as we want, it's still there waiting for when we're done.
I didn't know what to do tonight, so I decided to cling onto him like a koala and periodically kiss his hands. As a reward, he would kiss my forehead.
I should sleep, but I want to write.
Expect an entry, soon, with some silly writing.
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(no subject)
Nov. 1st, 2008 | 12:16 am
mood: sleepy
music: The Postal Service - this place is a prison
Today was long. It was very, very long.
I woke up way too early. I bought a coat and a vest. I'll post pictures tomarrow, because tomarrow's ADIML day [attempt #5].
Nate came home today. We went to the football game. It was a very unhappy experiance, mostly because Ashley and Kristin were everywhere I turned. [Ashley and Kristin want me dead]
It was also extremely awkward because Nate decided to be very distance and display the tension between us. I tried holding his hand. He squeezed my hand really hard, then pushed it away. I tried holding on to his coat with my finger tips, so I wouldn't get lost in the crowd [we use to do this all the time]. He looked at me as if he had never seen me before in his life. I tried many other things. I was rejected each time.
Surprisingly, however, when I said that I was going home, that I'd had my fill of football games for the year, he followed me. I was shocked. We got home, and he was acting like nothing had ever happened. We watched Discovery Channel. He held me. He gave me kisses.
"Are we okay?"
"Yeah, of course. I'd better get going. I love you [kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss]"
There's still tension there, you can see it very clearly, but we'll get there eventually.
Here is the part where everyone was happy all the time
and we were all forgiven, even though we didn't deserve it.
and we were all forgiven, even though we didn't deserve it.