Melody of an Ambulance

i_am_a_bird @ 2008-11-23T03:40:00

2008-11-23T08:57:49Z

I was really close to leaving this journal behind. Abandoning ship.
But that's been my life for so long, and I don't want that anymore.

But, from this point on, all posts will be friends only.
Comment to be added.

i_am_a_bird @ 2008-11-20T23:12:00

2008-11-21T04:18:42Z

jodiii (11:09:59 PM): um

jodiii (11:10:04 PM): she said she was sick of the tension

jodiii (11:10:06 PM): and stuff

jodiii (11:10:20 PM): but she doesn't want to be as close because things are different and she doesn't want bad stuff to happen again

jodiii (11:10:28 PM): so she's playing it safe

jodiii (11:10:48 PM): why do you get that vibe?

playitagainrandi (11:11:30 PM): what vibe? haha the acquaintance sort of vibe? or the friend vibe? because i'm getting both and it's weird. acquaintance vibe because of what she said at first. friend vibe because we were basically talking all day like we use to

jodiii (11:12:16 PM): weird

playitagainrandi (11:12:51 PM): like i said, it's not going to make or break me. she has her life. i have mine. and things happen. mhm.

jenelle's "playing it safe"
she has her life, i have mine
still, it's a little disappointing
life goes on
always does

Note To Self:

don't get your hopes up

i_am_a_bird @ 2008-11-18T02:39:00

2008-11-18T07:42:11Z

heavydamage18 (2:36:18 AM): when we die we'll float in space together forever, just like we have been all along

:D

i_am_a_bird @ 2008-11-16T13:10:00

2008-11-16T18:42:20Z

I was up until 5:30 am talking to Nate. I guess he really misses me, which is nice, but completely unexpected. We talked about his horrible roommate, sex, and some cute stuff.

He asked if I had a journal. I told him that I did, but I wasn't going to let him read it. He demanded that I give him my journal information so he could find it. I knew he wouldn't stop nagging me, so I just gave it to him.

BIG MISTAKE

He read the entire journal. I explained why I've been thinking Michael so much lately. He told me that I need to stop "obsessing" about him, that it's completely insane that I'm still stuck on him a year after the break-up.

He was right about the fact that I really should be over it. However, I don't think about Michael the same way I use to. It's not "obsessing", but Nate's not in my head. He doesn't know what I'm thinking, and I don't know how to explain what I feel to him. So I'm quiet, and he judges me by what he sees, which is totally reasonable, but in a way it's not fair to me.

I just feel like I'm not receiving any credit for what I've accomplished.

Anyway, I guess it's time to put Michael to rest.

Dear Michael,

I put the story together in my head so that everything was perfect, because that's how I wanted to remember you. The truth is that we both messed up pretty badly, and you ended up walking away without a scratch on you. It wasn't glamorous. You weren't glamorous.

I'm done waiting for you. You're not coming back, and I'm not sure I want you to anymore.

i_am_a_bird @ 2008-11-15T14:37:00

2008-11-15T19:43:57Z

Oh hello, plans!

Wait, what?
Fuck

Okay.

Goodbye, plans...

People are thoughtless, unreliable fucks. That's all there is to it.

Nate and I were talking about an hour ago.
He said he has thanksgiving break in two weeks. He'll have a whole week off.
He said we could work on our problems then.
I suppose that works.
I hope it's not too late.

i_am_a_bird @ 2008-11-13T15:04:00

2008-11-13T20:10:29Z

I've met someone that makes me feel seasick

Maybe it's time to move on
Time to cut our losses and walk away

Regardless, I've met someone that makes me feel seasick

i_am_a_bird @ 2008-11-13T01:37:00

2008-11-13T06:39:24Z

There was no reply from Michael.

Note to self:

Never get your hopes up again.

I guess this weekend I'm going to be heading to Logan's house. It will be me, Logan, Sean, and Jazz. It will be great. It will be great. It will be great. It has to be.

i_am_a_bird @ 2008-11-11T22:05:00

2008-11-12T03:39:46Z

So we're taking a break
A very necessary break

I just have to remember that it really is necessary and that there's meaning to it.

I've been thinking about calling Michael
We haven't spoken to each other in so long
But I want to talk to him
I want a fun conversation

Maybe I'll just contact him over the computer

You never know what could happen

i_am_a_bird @ 2008-11-11T19:37:00

2008-11-12T01:16:45Z

He's not willing to bend or make changes.

"I've already told you, I'm calling you more! We're talking more!"
"Nate, we don't really hold a conversation. You don't contribute."
"Well this is how I talk and I'm okay with how things are."

I've been bending for the past 14 months.
It's only a matter of time before I finally break.

I love him I love him I love him.
But things have changed. We're not who we once were. We never will be.
I've exhausted every possibility
I've done my part.
I don't know if I have it in me, anymore.

i_am_a_bird @ 2008-11-10T16:04:00

2008-11-10T21:33:53Z

Canon EOS Rebel XT [i know i'm getting this]

Delias dark denim skinny jeans

Another ~~ugly~~ beautiful sweater

Run DMC t-shirt [i'm an actual fan]

Green flannel

Alice in Wonderland [the movie!!]

polaroid film, plzz

yellow cardigan

I'll probably only get like..five things, though.
Money sucks

i_am_a_bird @ 2008-11-10T01:04:00

2008-11-10T07:37:40Z

Sometimes I try to cling on to things, or facts that have helped make me who I am. Some nights, when simply clinging isn't enough, I take items that remind me of who I am, and pile them into one little area. I look at them. I remember. It's comforting.

I really only do this when I need to get perspective.
If you haven't caught on yet, tonight's one of those nights.

Usually, my pile consists of movies, books, mix CDs I've made, and pictures. I'll shed some light:

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
My new shoes
Acoustic
Kill Bill vol.1
Kill Bill vol.2
These memoriesss
Garden State
Snow!
Insomnia
Polaroids
Flannel
These three ladies
Into the Wild
The Catcher in the Rye
Weed!
lulz [humiliating]
Transatlanticism
Photographyy
The song "Ottoman" by Vampire Weekend
This fucking place
Trains
Why?
Sexxx
Romance
Dreams
Wristcutters: A Love Story
Bo Burnham
Classic rock
Downing a bottle of these
Falling in love

and so on...

i_am_a_bird @ 2008-11-08T00:31:00

2008-11-08T05:47:19Z

I'm terrified by the thought of being let down, again. Having all of my dreams fall apart in a matter of seconds was too much for me. I'm too scared to put any emotional weight on this relationship again. I mean, there I was all vulnerable and pathetic, and he just crushed me without a stitch of remorse.

None of this was fair to me, and he's walking around, all alive and breathing, or whatever, like it was just no big deal, while I'm still barely hanging on by a thread to this relationship.

I hate him so much, sometimes. I love him. baghaghahg

I'm probably getting glasses on Monday or Tuesday. That's good, I guess.

i_am_a_bird @ 2008-11-06T14:47:00

2008-11-06T21:08:02Z

A - Admiration: those who are ticklish but manage to resist the laughter
A - Age?: 16
A - Annoyance: never enough meatballs

B - Best Friend?: Nate
B - Beverage: diet coke with lime
B - Birthday?: July 28th

C - Crush: cans, not hearts!
C - Car: no
C - Cat: Emma

D - Dead Pets : rocky
D - Dads Name: Daniel
D - Dog: Chloe

E - Easiest person to talk to: Jazz
E - Eggs: cheese omelette
E - Email: casiotonealone@msn.com

F - Favorite color: yellow
F - Food: OIP bread with ranch
F - Foreign Slang: is not for me

G - Gummy Bears or Worms: worms plz
G - God: no
G - Good Times: long walks on winter days

H - Hair Color: ginger
H - Height: 5'2
H - Happy: isn't it funny how you can forget there's a world outside yourself, where the trees keep going and the cars keep moving, without you there?

I - Ice Cream: makes me coldcoldcold
I - Instrument: flute!
I - Idol: all my heroes have let me down

J - Jewelry: great grandmother's rings
J - Job: Mr. Franz, I think careers are a 20th century invention and I don't want one
J - Joke: Q; what's the difference between a baby and and your grandma? A; your grandma won't die if you do her up the bumbum

K - Kids: , don't talk to strangers
K - karate: is way too intense for me
K - kite: mine are all stuck on trees. much like my footballs

L - Longest Car Ride: 8 hours to Canada?
L - Longest Relationship: current relationship - 14 months, i believe
L - Last Person you spoke to on the Phone: Nate Brune.

M - Milk Flavor: chocolate
M - Mothers Name: Michelle
M - Movie Last Watched: Juno

N - Number of Siblings: two brothers
N - Northern or Southern: northern
N - Name: Randi

O - One Wish?: here is the part where everyone was happy all the time, and we were all forgiven, even though we didn't deserve it
O - One Phobia? a man under my bed waiting to slice my achilles tendons!
O - One goal: become a great photographer

P - Parents, are they married or divorced: married
P - Part of your appearance that you like best: a "beauty mark" on my cheek
P - Part of your Personality: i'm very relaxed

Q - Quote: What if I were smiling and running into your arms? Would you see then what I see now?
Q - Question for the next person: define love, for me, please
Q - Quick or Slow?: slow

R - Reason to smile: tomarrow's a new day!
R - Reality TV Show: mehhh
R - Right or Left: right.

S - Song Last Heard: Paul Baribeau - ten things
S - Season: winter
S - Sex: can be beautiful

T - Time you woke up: 11:30 am
T - Time Now: 3:55 pm
T - Time for bed: neverr!

U - Unknown Facts about me: you might not know everything about me, but i'm pretty predictable :[
U - Unicorns?: should have wings. but then that would be the love-child of pegasus and a unicorn
U - U are a..: wonderful person who i would love to dance with right now

V - Vegetable you hate: celery
V - Vegetable you love: brocolli
V - View on Politics: not for me

W- Worst Habits: Biting skin off of my fingers and lips
W- What do you wanna be when you grow up: I'd love to write
W- Where are you traveling to next? State College

X - X-Rays: nah
X - X-Rated Porn: gives me a case of the "lulz"
X - chromosome: hahahaha, i miss biology

Y - Year you were born: 1992
Y - Year it is now: 2008
Y - Yellow?: sends signals of anger to the brain

Z - Zoo Animal: koalas and bears
Z - Zodiac: Leo
Z- Zests: zesty onion ring sauce yumm

i_am_a_bird @ 2008-11-05T20:28:00

2008-11-06T01:33:26Z

Most of my fantasies are of
To be of use
To be of use
To be of some
Hard,
Simple,
Undeniable use

I am fading away into the background

i_am_a_bird @ 2008-11-04T21:32:00

2008-11-05T02:34:37Z

My family's pulling another one of their "we're going to punish you because of your past, even though you've completely turned your life around" routines.

Sucks.

i_am_a_bird @ 2008-11-04T14:57:00

2008-11-04T20:20:22Z

Here comes the climactic scene of the movie with the world's saddest goodbye, because you think that skipping town is the most artistic solution to your mountain of problems. What a poor, pathetic, broken artist you must be. You get into your car. You drive down the lane. You're gone.

to be continueddd
i'm sleepy

i_am_a_bird @ 2008-11-03T23:06:00

2008-11-04T04:15:51Z

playitagainrandi (10:44:28 PM): i hate when things bother me the day after shit happens

playitagainrandi (10:44:30 PM): when it hits me

playitagainrandi (10:44:32 PM): "that's not cool"

playitagainrandi (10:44:35 PM): and i can't do shit about it

playitagainrandi (10:44:36 PM): because then

playitagainrandi (10:44:37 PM): i'm crazy

nate (10:44:48 PM): i hear ya

playitagainrandi (10:44:51 PM): bullshit

nate (10:45:33 PM): um, okay

playitagainrandi (10:45:52 PM): you don't. like yesterday, when we were fighting. it was bullshit

playitagainrandi (10:45:55 PM): and it just hit me

playitagainrandi (10:45:59 PM): how stupid it fucking was

nate (10:46:08 PM): yep

playitagainrandi (10:46:23 PM): okay. not stupid. just..unfair

nate (10:46:41 PM): agreed

playitagainrandi (10:48:09 PM): it's crap, nate. this entire situation is crap

playitagainrandi (10:48:48 PM): it's just..it should be give and take. and it can be like that. sometimes..but it just feels like you're asking me to give you everything all at once or you'll leave. and that's not fair, nate

nate (10:49:21 PM): i know

nate (10:49:37 PM): and i thought about it, and i was being unreasonable

playitagainrandi (10:49:46 PM): huh?

nate (10:49:57 PM): ill give you time

playitagainrandi (10:50:30 PM): oh my.

nate (10:50:42 PM): what?

playitagainrandi (10:50:51 PM): i just didn't see that coming

nate (10:52:11 PM): oh, well, yep

playitagainrandi (10:55:52 PM): the only reason i've been thinking about calling it quits is because i feel as though i've given you all i can give in a reasonable amount of time. and that i've said all i can say to show you that i care. and it felt like none of that was returned. i'd get a "oh that's nice. thank you". but nothing. so i was just convinced that you didn't care if i were to stay or go. so i was staying for my sake..idk

nate (10:56:28 PM): well, im glad you didn't go

playitagainrandi (10:57:06 PM): i guess we'll both just have to give it time. wait it out and see what's there in the end

nate (10:57:22 PM): yeah

playitagainrandi (10:58:44 PM): and i think that, in the mean time, when we come across a problem we have with the other, then we should approach the other person. not just wait and see if the person will fix it by themselves.

nate (10:59:05 PM): yep

playitagainrandi (10:59:07 PM): k

nate (10:59:21 PM): i feel better now

playitagainrandi (10:59:26 PM): why's that?

nate (11:00:14 PM): getting this cleared up

playitagainrandi (11:01:05 PM): yeah. it's nice

playitagainrandi (11:01:26 PM): i don't even know how it got so messy in the first place. and i don't really think i care to know

nate (11:02:05 PM): hey, i think im gonna go to bed

playitagainrandi (11:02:08 PM): alright

nate (11:02:15 PM): ill call you tomorrow

playitagainrandi (11:02:18 PM): kk

nate (11:02:25 PM): have a good night, ok

playitagainrandi (11:02:33 PM): alright. i love youuuououuu uu

nate (11:02:59 PM): i love you toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

nate (11:03:02 PM): oooooooooooooooo

nate(11:03:09 PM): ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

playitagainrandi (11:03:11 PM):

nate (11:03:19 PM): peace

playitagainrandi (11:03:22 PM): 'night

we've still got it
i think
opinions?
the word opinion reminds me of the word onion
which, basically, grosses me out
because onions are really nasty

i_am_a_bird @ 2008-11-03T14:25:00

2008-11-03T19:43:03Z

Every morning the maple leaves.

Every morning another chapter where the hero shifts

from one foot to the other. Every morning the same big

and little words all spelling out desire, all spelling out

You will be alone always and then you will die.

So maybe I wanted to give you something more than a catalog

of non-definitive acts,

something other than the desperation.

Dear So-and-So, I'm sorry I couldn't come to your party.

Dear So-and-So, I'm sorry I came to your party

and seduced you

and left you bruised and ruined, you poor sad thing.

Your want a better story. Who wouldn't?

A forest, then. Beautiful trees. And a lady singing.

Love on the water, love underwater, love, love and so on.

What a sweet lady. Sing lady, sing! Of course, she wakes the dragon.

Love always wakes the dragon and suddenly

flames everywhere.

I can tell already you think I'm the dragon,

that would be so like me, but I'm not. I'm not the dragon.

I'm not the princess either.

Who am I? I'm just a writer. I write things down.

I walk through your dreams and invent the future. Sure,

I sink the boat of love, but that comes later. And yes, I swallow

glass, but that comes later.

And the part where I push you

flush against the wall and every part of your body rubs against the bricks,

shut up

I'm getting to it.

For a while I thought I was the dragon.

I guess I can tell you that now. And, for a while, I thought I was

the princess,

cotton candy pink, sitting there in my room, in the tower of the castle,

young and beautiful and in love and waiting for you with

confidence

but the princess looks into her mirror and only sees the princess,

while I'm out here, slogging through the mud, breathing fire,

and getting stabbed to death.

Okay, so I'm the dragon. Bid deal.

You still get to be the hero.

You get the magic gloves! A fish that talks! You get eyes like flashlights!

What more do you want?

I make you pancakes, I take you hunting, I talk to you as if you're

really there.

Are you there, sweetheart? Do you know me? Is this microphone live?

Let me do it right for once,

for the record, let me make a thing of cream and stars that becomes,

you know the story, simply heaven.

Inside your head you hear a phone ringing

and when you open your eyes

only a clearing with deer in it. Hello deer.

Inside your head the sound of glass,

a car crash sound as the trucks roll over and explode in slow motion.

Hello darling, sorry about that.

Sorry about the bony elbows, sorry we

lived here, sorry about the scene at the bottom of the stairwell

and how I ruined everything by saying it out loud.

Especially that, but I should have known.

You see, I take the parts that I remember and stitch them back together

to make a creature that will do what I say

or love me back.

I'm not really sure why I do it, but in this version you are not

feeding yourself to a bad man

against a black sky prickled with small lights.

I take it back.

The wooden halls likes caskets. These terms from the lower depths.

I take them back.

Here is the repeated image of the lover destroyed.

Crossed out.

Clumsy hands in a dark room. Crossed out. There is something

underneath the floorboards.

Crossed out. And here is the tabernacle

reconstructed.

Here is the part where everyone was happy all the time and we were all

forgiven,

even though we didn't deserve it.

Inside your head you hear

a phone ringing, and when you open your eyes you're washing up

in a stranger's bathroom,

standing by the window in a yellow towel, only twenty minutes away

from the dirtiest thing you know.

All the rooms of the castle except this one, says someone, and suddenly

darkness,

suddenly only darkness.

In the living room, in the broken yard,

in the back of the car as the lights go by. In the airport

bathroom's gurgle and flush, bathed in a pharmacy of

unnatural light,

my hands looking weird, my face weird, my feet too far away.

And the the airplane, the window seat over the wing with a view

of the wing and a little foil bag of peanuts.

I arrived in the city and you met me at the station,

smiling in a way

that made me frightened. Down the alley, around the arcade,

up the stairs of the building

to the little room with the broken faucets, your drawings, all your things,

I looked out the window and said

This doesn't look that much different from home,

because it didn't,

but then I noticed the black sky and all those lights.

We walked through the house to the elevated train.

All these buildings, all that glass and the shiny beautiful

mechanical wind.

We were inside the train car when I started to cry. You were crying too,

smiling and crying in a way that made me

even more hysterical. You said I could have anything I wanted, but I

just couldn't say it out loud.

Actually, you said Love, for you,

is larger than the usual romantic love. It's like a religion. It's

terrifying. No one

will ever want to sleep with you.

Okay, if you're so great, you do it—

here's the pencil, make it work . . .

If the window is on your right, you are in your own bed. If the window

is over your heart, and it is painted shut, then we are breathing

river water.

Build me a city and call it Jerusalem. Build me another and call it

Jerusalem.

We have come back from Jerusalem where we found not

what we sought, so do it over, give me another version,

a different room, another hallway, the kitchen painted over

and over,

another bowl of soup.

The entire history of human desire takes about seventy minutes to tell.

Unfortunately, we don't have that kind of time.

Forget the dragon,

leave the gun on the table, this has nothing to do with happiness.

Let's jump ahead to the moment of epiphany,

in gold light, as the camera pans to where

the action is,

lakeside and backlit, and it all falls into frame, close enough to see

the blue rings of my eyes as I say

something ugly.

I never liked that ending either. More love streaming out the wrong way,

and I don't want to be the kind that says the wrong way.

But it doesn't work, these erasures, this constant refolding of the pleats.

There were some nice parts, sure,

all lemondrop and mellonball, laughing in silk pajamas

and the grains of sugar

on the toast, love love or whatever, take a number. I'm sorry

it's such a lousy story.

Dear Forgiveness, you know that recently

we have had our difficulties and there are many things

I want to ask you.

I tried that one time, high school, second lunch, and then again,

years later, in the chlorinated pool.

I am still talking to you about help. I still do not have

these luxuries.

I have told you where I'm coming from, so put it together.

We clutch our bellies and roll on the floor . . .

When I say this, it should mean laughter,

not poison.

I want more applesauce. I want more seats reserved for heroes.

Dear Forgiveness, I saved a plate for you.

Quit milling around the yard and come inside.

-Richard Siken

It's beautiful, eh?

i_am_a_bird @ 2008-11-01T23:03:00

2008-11-02T03:56:18Z

We, as a family, went to go visit my aunts, uncles, and cousins on my dad's side today. We went to "the farm". I don't think it's an actual farm, it's just an uninhabited house that my Dad's mother somehow owned. There's a barn, so I think that's why we call it "the farm". I hadn't been there since I was seven.

Anyway, here's the family:

Starting from the top, going left to right:
Dad, Derrick (bro), Dick (uncle), Amber (cousin), Laura (matt's girlfriend), Steve (uncle),
Mom, Me, Lindsey (cousin), Joyce (aunt), Matt (cousin), Alicia (cousin), Seth/Sam?? (alicia's boyfriend)

They're all pretty nice, I guess. My cousins have all grown up, so I was pretty alone. C'mon, I'm the awkward, overweight 16 year old with an orange vest, how could I ever expect to fit in with a bunch of cute twenty-somethings?

It was an okay day, though.

When I got home I hung around the house with Nate. We decided that tomarrow would be a good day to discuss everything that happened this past week.

There's this genuine sadness about us. We can act like everything's okay as much as we want, it's still there waiting for when we're done.

I didn't know what to do tonight, so I decided to cling onto him like a koala and periodically kiss his hands. As a reward, he would kiss my forehead.

I should sleep, but I want to write.

Expect an entry, soon, with some silly writing.

i_am_a_bird @ 2008-11-01T00:16:00

2008-11-01T04:19:06Z

Today was long. It was very, very long.

I woke up way too early. I bought a coat and a vest. I'll post pictures tomarrow, because tomarrow's ADIML day [attempt #5].

Nate came home today. We went to the football game. It was a very unhappy experiance, mostly because Ashley and Kristin were everywhere I turned. [Ashley and Kristin want me dead]

It was also extremely awkward because Nate decided to be very distance and display the tension between us. I tried holding his hand. He squeezed my hand really hard, then pushed it away. I tried holding on to his coat with my finger tips, so I wouldn't get lost in the crowd [we use to do this all the time]. He looked at me as if he had never seen me before in his life. I tried many other things. I was rejected each time.

Surprisingly, however, when I said that I was going home, that I'd had my fill of football games for the year, he followed me. I was shocked. We got home, and he was acting like nothing had ever happened. We watched Discovery Channel. He held me. He gave me kisses.

"Are we okay?"
"Yeah, of course. I'd better get going. I love you [kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss]"

There's still tension there, you can see it very clearly, but we'll get there eventually.

Here is the part where everyone was happy all the time
and we were all forgiven, even though we didn't deserve it.

i_am_a_bird @ 2008-10-30T23:23:00

2008-10-31T04:17:14Z

More talking. More crying. More doubts.

This his last chance
This is my last chance
We'll just have to see

As for my day, it wasn't so bad.

I've been smoking more, lately. Not like it's an unhealthy habit. I've just been smoking more. First wednesday, then again today. Jazz and I shared about a gram today. It was a weird day for both of us, so we just decided to use it up. We sat in the forest near my house and smoked until it was gone.

It was a nice evening. Jazz is a great friend. Not because she gives me weed [don't be crazy!], but because we can have a good time with each other, relate to each other, and talk about anything.

I guess I'm just saying that there is life after death, and not in the heavenly sense.

Goodnight!

PS- This Will Destroy You is also has a good ambient sound.

i_am_a_bird @ 2008-10-30T15:25:00

2008-10-30T19:32:32Z

playitagainrandi (3:14:49 PM): it just makes me wonder if he's really the person i should make my plans with. if he's..idk..."the one", or whatever. and if he's not, it sucks. because i really do love him. i've given my all to him. and it'll all be thrown right back in my face yet again
matt (3:16:07 PM): how do you feel in your heart? what does it tell you? honestly?
playitagainrandi (3:16:43 PM): the only thing i know, deep down, wayyyyy inside of my heart, is that i want to be with him.
playitagainrandi (3:17:05 PM): but my head keeps fighting and saying "he doesn't care for you in the same way! get out while you still can!"
matt (3:17:46 PM): forget about your head for a minute...for right now it is just there sitting between your shoulders, okay?
playitagainrandi (3:17:53 PM): k
matt (3:18:22 PM): what does your *heart* say about him?
playitagainrandi (3:18:47 PM): that he's my favorite person in the whole world and i wouldn't want to spend my time with anyone else
matt (3:19:31 PM): and? what else?
playitagainrandi (3:19:42 PM): and that i have more to give to this, if he'll just let me
playitagainrandi (3:21:04 PM): he makes me happy. no matter how often he takes a stab at my heart, the good always out-weighs the bad
playitagainrandi (3:21:40 PM): not necessarily because it should, but because i make it outweigh the bad..because i love him.
matt (3:22:01 PM): Randi?
playitagainrandi (3:22:04 PM): hmm?
matt (3:22:16 PM): Go get him.

So, Note to self:

matt (3:24:40 PM): I know how it feels to really love someone. I haven't seen anything coming from you that says you have any doubts over how you feel. So I say, even if you have to go to the ends of the earth, go and get that boy.

i_am_a_bird @ 2008-10-29T23:45:00

2008-10-30T04:18:30Z

Ambient music makes me feel better. The Dead Texan. Brian McBride. Stars of the Lid. Eluvium.
Thank you for soothing me.

I'm thinking about Michael though. He was a wonderful boy.

He loved me. He really did. I believe it with all my heart.

But things change. People change. Circumstances change. You live, learn, and adapt. He left me on my birthday, which hit me hard.

I tried to blame him for everything; for turning me into such a strange person, for making me cold, for breaking me into a million little pieces. I blamed him out loud to all of my friends. I never believed it though. I couldn't blame him, and I still can't.

The last time I saw him was a few months ago at my local theatre. I guess he was in town for the weekend, hanging out with Jimmy, or whatever. I didn't get to see his face, I simply watched him walking away. Nate was dragging me from the theatre, convinced that if I saw him I would get hurt, which I did. I still saw him, though, walking away all over again.

I've been thinking about that incident especially; about how I wish that I could've said something to him. Even 'hey michael' would've sufficed. I've been thinking about how I just wish he would've looked at me. I would've loved to see his expression(s) if he were to have seen me.

I miss his company. He was so warm and loving. He had such life about him. I could say that I wish we would've just stayed friends; no intimate relationship whatsoever. But that wouldn't be true, now, would it? I don't regret a moment of it.

I'll always have a big place for him in my heart.

And if Nate were to leave for good, it wouldn't be any different. Big, big place, right in the center of my heart.

i_am_a_bird @ 2008-10-29T21:53:00

2008-10-30T01:57:08Z

He said it was over. Then he said we needed to just cool off until the weekend.

I have no idea what's going on.

I don't know what I'm suppose to do
I don't know where I'm suppose to go
Jazz said I could chill with her tomarrow, and that when the weekend comes, if he doesn't want to be with me, I could hang out with her, Sean, and Logan all weekend. Which sounds pretty nice to me.

If any of you have any advice to give me, I'd really appreciate it.

You are someone else
I am still right here

i_am_a_bird @ 2008-10-29T16:05:00

2008-10-29T20:45:43Z

I know I've made him out to be a big, bad monster, but I wouldn't be with him if I really thought that. He's the best person I know. I'll show you:

"Me: I’m lame, I communicate to people through myspace. blahhhh

Nate: At least you’re not made of bricks"

lol

Oh! And this!
Mind you, he doesn't mean the racist remarks, I swear.

heavydamage18 (10:24:31 PM): can i ask you a question

playitagainrandi (10:24:51 PM): yes

playitagainrandi (10:26:14 PM): hello?

heavydamage18 (10:26:23 PM): yeah, just wait

heavydamage18 (10:26:29 PM): i have to word it right

playitagainrandi (10:26:46 PM): okay..

heavydamage18 (10:28:38 PM): you know that boat at the end of lotr

playitagainrandi (10:28:45 PM): yes

heavydamage18 (10:29:16 PM): if it really exists, will you ride it with me

playitagainrandi (10:29:46 PM): i’ve said this before, i’ll say it again. i’ll say it as many times as you need me to.

playitagainrandi (10:29:50 PM): i’ll follow you anywhere

heavydamage18 (10:30:00 PM): koolaid

heavydamage18 (10:30:40 PM): but, ahhh, they don’t say this in lotr, but that boat isn’t for damn dirty niggers

heavydamage18 (10:30:42 PM): or spicks

heavydamage18 (10:30:49 PM): so angel can’t come

playitagainrandi (10:31:01 PM): gah. that’s gonna be a really rough loss

playitagainrandi (10:31:05 PM): who’s gonna come with us?

heavydamage18 (10:31:21 PM): anyone who happens to be there for the ride

He's really great. I just get frustrated sometimes. I've become a very lonely person since he's gone off to college.

A few nights later, I am sitting by Grandma's bed, reading Mrs. Dalloway to her. It's evening. I look up; Grandma seems to be asleep. I stopo reading, and close the book. Her eyes open.

"Hello," I say.

"Do you ever miss him?" she asks me.

"Every day. Every minute."

"Every minute," she says. "Yes. It's that way, isn't it?" She turns on her side and burrows into her pillow.

"Good night," I say, turning out the lamp. As I stand in the dark looking down at my Grandma in her bed, self-pity floods me as though I have been injected with it. It's that way, isn't it? Isn't it.

- The Time Traveler's Wife

Jazz stayed home again today. We smoked a little. We watched Nickelodeon. It was a good time.

There's a parade tonight! I'll tell you how it goes later.